Thursday, July 1, 2010

The end of an affair

Of course their love affair lasted more than 5 years. It also was not a short love story like so many others. Their affair lasted for 26 years, and although the love they have for each other will never end, their relationship has finally come to end.

It was a love and a passion that survived many years and many difficulties. How many times did they try to end their relationship only to find out that there never would be anyone else for either one of them. How many times did she move, only to come back to him.

For him it took years before he was able to acknowledge the deep love he felt for her, for admitting to her that she was the love of his life.

Once he felt free to acknowledge his love, a dam broke loose. He would call her 10 times a day, telling her how much he loved. At times it was enough for him just to hear her voice on her answering machine. Every couple of months she would fly up to see him. those were the times they could not get enough of each other.

He showered her with small presents. the greatest gift he gave her was a small clock, the first gift he ever gave to his deceased wife, the mother of his children.

From time to time they discussed his current wife and his relationship with her. He admitted his mistake of not leaving his marriage 20 year earlier and was grateful that she understood. She also understood and realized that he was not in a position to leave his wife now.

when they first met, he was 59 and she was 39. Now, he is going to be 86 and age is finally catching up with him. the last few times she saw him she realized how fragile his body had become and that she had to hold his hand to keep it from shaking.

For the past 14 years their relationship was a long distance one. She had come back from Mexico to be near him, but also understood that they could not live in the same city. the occasions they met were the highlights of their love.

As she saw him aging, her love for him grew and so did the compassion she felt for him and the choices he had made. Although she understood that he believed that he never had a choice, it astounded her when he said " I have to live with the cards life gave me".

To her, it always was a matter of choice, and because of the choices she had made, she relinquished her rights to complain. She always realized  that there were three people in this relationship, as did his wife, and that none of them was ignorant of the situations. She realized that each one could have left the relationship if they had wanted to, but for their own reasons decided to stay. So she was constantly amazed by the attacks they both received from his wife.

During the past year their relationship had become increasingly difficult. She realized that he more and more often forgot  what had happened in the recent past . Once, when she came to visit him, he got the days mixed up, but fortunately they  talked and he remembered in time.When she left that time, she realized that she would never see him again. The tears she cried on her drive home were almost liberating. . She came to see him one more time, but he was not there and later could not remember that she had come up to see him.

It was for a long that she had planned to leave the US, but always delaying the date because of him. She now came to understand that the time had come for her to start a new life.

She will leave in a few months, never to return. She is quite sure that she will never see him again, but hopes that at least she might talk to him one more time. This of course is soooo uncertain.

She knows that a new life is waiting for her, a life without him, but a life of tranquility and peace. She knows that she will be fine with her dog, (no cats this time) and that she will enjoy the remaining years of her life. She hopes, that by her final absence, he may find some peace at home too, although , to her this seems very doubtful. If life dealt the cards, she knows she drew the better cards.

For the rest of her life she will be grateful and thankful for the love she was able to receive and to give. It was a love very few people have the privilege to experience, and she realizes that it was one of the great gifts of the universe.My beloved man, I love you, whatever happens and wherever you are.

You are the love of my life......

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Five years later

It was a short love story, like thousand others.

It lasted for 5 years.

After they had been together for a few years, she started to watch him, to experience him as the individual that he was.

Over the years she also started to understand him. The distance that remained between them gave her clarity.

Although the fear remained, her loneliness was easier to bear by understanding his insecurities.
She no longer was blind to his weaknesses and faulrs, but yet her respects grew.

She no longer just adored him. She realized that his hair was grey and that he was much older than she was. He was wise and mature, self centered and vain.

And she was surprised when she realized that she loved him.

And it was with regret that she recognized that soon it would end. That she had found him at a time when he was already traveling  a different path.

She thought of the child that should have ben theirs and a great sadness overcame her. It was part of the things that should have been,

During the last years they were together she worked on keeping the relationship together, knowing all too well that it was hopeless, that it was no good for either one of them.

And when it finally ended, she hoped that he would not be alone.

That his wife would fill his needs better than she could and that she would forgive him.

But she would need time to gain insight and understanding

she tries to remember who she was five years ago, before he came into her life.

Something died and yet something else came alive. Major changes had happened.

And she is sure, that once the despair, hatred and anger will disappear, she will realize that she did experience love  and because of it, she is a richer and better person.

But she will never be able to talk about it.

She had been able to explore the soul of another person, and she was filled with tenderness at what she saw.

For while they held each others hands, their lives were painfully connected.

And she hopes, that one day, when everything is truly over, that they will become and remain true friends.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

mistress vs wife: A Love Story, the beginning

mistress vs wife: A Love Story, the beginning: "She knew that her soul knew of highs and lows, of deep, dark valleys that he refused to acknowledge. He never understood her desire to tota..."

mistress vs wife: I expect to be judged

mistress vs wife: I expect to be judged: "Well, just as the title said, I expect to be judged by many people by writing this blog. I also expect to be called a variety of names, how..."

A Love Story, the beginning

She knew that her soul knew of highs and lows, of deep, dark valleys that he refused to acknowledge.

He never understood her desire to totally open her life to him.

The deepest abyss of her soul, the only one she was aware of, was her fear and the loneliness she would feel without him. And she cried, wishing that he could become part of her highs.

There were schedules to keep, guilty feelings to deal with every time he was happy with her. He always had to go home to his wife and his dinner, but she hoped he would be happy because of the peace she gave him, the peace he needed. And the woman with the highs and lows bought a book and went home, to her cat and her telephone.

His hand was the only one she wished to hold, and yet she hoped that a miracle would happen and that she would find a new hand to hold before she would drown.

And she knows, that the day she finds someone else, her previous life has to end, that she has to embrace as if it were for the first time, and to prove with her poor, faithful body, by becoming part of another, that she has forgotten the one she loves...

Yet she knows, that for a very long time afterwards, maybe for the rest of her life, she will wake up and miss him. That she will mourn what once was he and she.

while they were still together, they lay in the sun. She holds his hand while he reads and peace is within her. She can live with the knowledge that over long periods of time he forgets about her, because she knows, that the hand that holds hers will soon squeeze it to show her that she is part of him.

From time to time he looks at her, his face radiant with love and happiness, but at other times his eyes are clouded. It is at those times when she realizes that he thinks of his wife, and although he loves the woman with the highs and lows, he eventually will leave her.

As if he could read her thoughts, he puts his book aside and holds her. "I could never live without you" he says, believing the lie, and she too believes him until he falls asleep, holding her in his arms.

She knows that once he awakens, the guilty feelings will take over, and so will his desire for security and the status quo and his loyalty towards someone else. All that he owes another.

My beloved man.

I expect to be judged

Well, just as the title said, I expect to be judged by many people by writing this blog. I also expect to be called a variety of names,  however none could be worse than the names I have been called by my lover's wife.
Yes, I have been a mistress for the past 26 years.  And no. I do not advocate adultery. I am so much against it, because it causes so much pain to all people involved. I am not talking about one night stands, they are gross and they suck and whoever of the marital partners engages in them, endangers the well being of their family.  I also don't talk about the type of Tiger Wood affairs, where the husband is looking for sexual variety. I am talking about affairs, that can last for a lifetime and can run parallel to a marriage. Affairs, where the mistress and the husband are faithful to each other, affairs that happened for whatever reasons.

I am writing this blog for my own sanity, it is part of my own therapy. I am also writing this in the hope of helping people who are or have been in a similar situation , of assuring them life does go on. I am especially writing this article for the wives, who found out that their husbands had a mistress and the pitfalls to avoid.

This might sound ironic, but whoever will read this will soon realize that I am not taking sides, not for the mistress, the wife or the husband.

I hope you'll read on.